Ok so a few years ago; well actually a number of years ago the USAF decided to show me that it had a perverted sense of humor and shipped us off to Texas. So you might say, hey San Antonio isn't too bad. I am here to beg to differ with you.
Just so you understand something I have lived most of my life in a state that is well frozen for a goodly portion of the year and anything over 75 degrees is hot to me. But more importantly it does not have large pugilistic insects.
I am not a fan of things that crawl around outside and are not furry little animals; I hate snakes, bugs of almost any kind and if a spider is present I will make it known that it is there by announcing so at the top of my lungs with a most unladylike like screech.
Texas showed me that bugs can and will fight you for dominance in your own home. I remember when the Spaz was just a little baby and I was taking a bath with her and a totally huge and gross something or other crawled out of the overflow drain on the tub and decided it was its turn for the bath. I screamed like I was in a cheaply made horror film and the hubs comes running up the stairs thinking I have dropped the baby. Nope I am standing literally in the corner of the tub with her in my arms trying to levitate myself out of that tub. Any bug that; one can come up through the drain and two swim around and leave a wake behind it in the water is a big bug.
What does the hubs do? He laughs at me and grabs a cup to scoop up the bug. He asks me what to do with it and I told him to flush it down the toilet as then it might think it was at a water park going for a ride. I had nightmares about this thing it was about two inches long and little antennae and dude it wanted the tub.
I was also introduced to scorpions during our little stint in Texas. It does not give you any piece of mind to see the guys walking across the ceiling of your house. Nope no way no how, I was turned into a mushy squeaky bowl of frightened jelly. I am very deadly allergic to bees and the docs could not say if I would have any reactions to those guys so they were left alone by me. A friend in Texas use to use the ones on his ceiling to practice throwing darts at. I am pretty sure Raid was not going to kill these things.
Ants were another reason and all I have to say is fire ants. If you have ever been bitten by these things you know what I mean. Short of setting fire to their mounds or drowning them out the best you could do was watch where you walked.
Granted I liked the sound of crickets at night but man cicadas were loud, like jet engine roaring loud. Those things could wake the dead if they really tried.
And then there were spiders. I. DON'T. DO. SPIDERS. Ever I mean I would rather annihilate the little things before they can get to me. And Texas had super sized one. These guys would waltz in to your house and say hi to you as they passed. They were quite fond of walking around in the dark and loved to crawl over people and elicit screams of terror out of me. Not to mention some of the buggers were poisonous. Yeah, not. I don't want to share my house with things that can bite me and do evil things to me. Yes I know spiders eat other bugs at least some do but really I don't want them around me.
Finally we got moved back to Anchorage. YEAH Happy dance time. Really we don't have many bugs up here. Yes the mosquitoes can probably carry off small animals but you can wear enough deep woods off to quell the little buggers. However; there are still spiders and I still won't share my house with them. The other day I was in my garage and was getting food out of the freezer. You know a nice routine type of task in a routine type of place. There are no bugs in my garage because it is the end of winter and things haven't thawed out enough. As I was standing there a large spider merrily did the waltz across my bare feet. Well needless to say there was a very loud scream that shook the rafters. When a spider is large enough that you can tell that it was hairy, its big enough. I slammed the door shut and ran into the house. Now little miss who is almost three was looking at me like I was insane. I perched on the couch with my feet underneath me and called the Boy. Why I called him I don't know. He is in Fairbanks; its not like he was going to be able to do anything for me.
So as he is talking me down out of hysteria he casually mentions what did I think the spider was living off of. Now bear with me and you will see why my mind is, well, a little different from most people. Normally spiders build webs and catch bugs to eat. Well there were no other bugs in that garage. So that meant one of two things to me. One, either the spider was building a web to catch larger prey like shrews or the dog or two, it was eating other spiders. AUGGGGHHH It's a cannibal spider. Seriously think about it that is what it was most likely eating. EW EW EW I don't do cannibal spiders in my house. Problem is that spider trotted off so fast that I was unable to stomp on him.
However I am armed with hairspray to deal with him. Yup hairspray; it clogs up their little exoskeletons and then they suffocate. I told you, I don't do spiders. So now I am waiting for that guy to show up, and unless he is wearing a little gas mask he is going to be toast.
Atypical Life in AK
No comments:
Post a Comment